Don’t ask me if I’m still watching MacGyver, Netflix, you know as well as me that I need to know how he’s going to save those eagles with nothing but vegetable oil and chair stuffing.

My old SNES is now up and running. First order of business, complete the fuck out of the Animaniacs game because I couldn’t as a kid.

I’ve invented a machine that can detect how much of an asshole someone is. It mispronounces words and then measures from how far away someone is willing to correct it.

A few days ago at work I met a guy with one of those black American Express cards. For everyone who has no idea what I’m talking about, they’re a super-exclusive kind of credit card only given to millionaires and they essentially let you buy fucking anything. They’re also made of titanium, because why not?

Out on curiosity I asked the guy what the most extravagant thing he ever bought with it was, his answer? A 17 million pound boat.

I think I met my hero you guys.

Ever wanted to become an expert on a subject almost instantly? Wait for a tragedy to happen and post in the comment section of a news article about it.

Fun fact: Vladmir Putin once made an official statement just so that he could tell journalists to stop feeding his fucking dog after he noticed that she’d leave his interviews covered in crumbs. 

Also, his dog is freaking adorable.

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Source.

So I just finished filling out my tax return for last year and I apparently earned just enough money freelancing last year that I need to pay back some of my student loan. I have mixed feelings about this.

If I was a millionaire I’d pay Sean Bean to narrate half of an audiobook just to see how many people would get the joke. 

Tumblr, I really want to believe you when you say that every body type is beautiful, but I’m getting mixed signals from all the GIFs of Chris Evans with his shirt off. 

My girlfriend went on holiday a few weeks ago and brought me back a chunk of potassium alum. Which is basically a big-ass crystal you rub all over yourself instead of deodorant.

My life has been about 60% more fabulous since that day.